A Pastor’s Practical Checklist for How to Lead “Hot” Conversations

In today’s polarized climate, political alignment has become a prerequisite for relationship, and nowhere is this more devastating than in faith communities. Church leaders can often find themselves navigating conversations that feel like walking through a minefield. Whether addressing racial justice, mental health resources, theological differences, or community responses to injustice, pastors are caught between competing demands for both prophetic courage and pastoral care. 

I know. It can be scary. 

But as our friend, Brian McClaren emphasizes, difficult conversations are opportunities for spiritual growth, not threats to faith – helping us see disagreement as a path toward deeper understanding rather than division. 

Most church conflicts escalate not because people disagree, but because leaders lack structured approaches to facilitate healthy disagreement. Avoiding difficult topics or simply hoping they resolve themselves is an inadequate response for our current moment. Faith communities need leaders equipped with practical tools to facilitate healthy disagreement and transform conflict into deeper connection. 

The following checklist provides practical tools and proven tactics to transform tension into connection.

Before the Conversation

✅ Examine Your Own Heart and Motivations

• Check your ego and ask yourself: Am I seeking to win or to understand? Am I trying to be right or to be helpful? Make sure tough conversations are coming from a place to restore and have healthy dialogue, not to simply confront.
• Pray for humility. Confrontation should be done carefully, meekly, and with the goal of restoration (Galatians 6:1).
• Consider if a conversation is necessary. Some conflict can be resolved by merely overlooking it.

✅ Study and Prepare Thoroughly

• Research the issue from multiple perspectives. Study the materials thoroughly before facilitating a dialogue. Pastors and other faith leaders should read… These books will provide foundational understanding, empowering you to lead wisely.
• Prepare physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Be ready for the event so that you will have stamina and grace. Your preparation will set the tone.
• Know your limits. You don’t need to be an expert, and it’s not mandatory that you have facilitated this sort of conversation before.
• Gather trusted advisors. Other faith leaders in your community may have done this before. If you need support or help, ask someone with experience to come alongside you the first time you lead this conversation.

✅ Create the Right Environment

• Choose a neutral, comfortable space that doesn’t favor any particular viewpoint
• Together, set clear conversation commitments that everyone agrees to before starting
• Establish time boundaries to prevent emotional exhaustion
• Prepare materials including relevant scriptures, worksheets, or discussion guides

Related: How to have dialogue with your congregations about the topics that matter to them

OPENING THE CONVERSATION

✅ Establish Psychological Safety

• Acknowledge the difficulty. Name that this conversation may be uncomfortable but necessary
• Remind everyone of shared values and common ground in Christ
• Emphasize learning over winning. A healthy team welcomes debate, even disagreement. They know it’s dangerous, not helpful or productive, when everyone agrees or pretends to agree.
• Set expectations for grace in both speaking and listening

✅ Start with Scripture or Centering Prayer

• Ground the conversation in biblical principles like Matthew 18:15-17, Ephesians 4:15, or James 1:19
• Consider centering prayer that allows participants to center themselves and bring down any heightened emotions. This is particularly good when there are people in the room with a variety of belief systems.
• Reference shared mission and purpose as a North Star for decisions

DURING THE CONVERSATION

✅ Practice Active Listening

• Model the behavior you want to see.
• Summarize what you hear before responding or moving to the next person
• Ask clarifying questions instead of making assumptions
• Pay attention to emotions behind the words, not just the content

✅ Manage the Process, Not the Content

• Keep discussion focused on the issue at hand, not personality conflicts
• Redirect personal attacks back to the substantive issue
• Ensure everyone has a voice while preventing any one person from dominating
• Take breaks when emotions run high or energy flags

✅ Apply Biblical Wisdom

• Use gentle responses. Proverbs 15:1: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” James 1:19: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
• Address issues directly but kindly. Notice how Jesus replied fully, patiently, and candidly to their false accusation. He showed why they were wrong, using reasoning they could follow if they were willing.
• Focus on restoration, not punishment. Biblical confrontation seeks healing, not harm
• Remember grace covers mistakes in the moment

When things get heated

✅ De-escalation Techniques

• Pause and breathe. One of the reasons that conflicts often do not get resolved in an amicable way is because people react too quickly.
• Remind participants to show up authentically. Drawing from Susan Scott’s work on “fierce conversations,” effective dialogue requires us to address reality directly while remaining genuinely present to others
• Lower your voice and slow your speech
• Acknowledge strong emotions without dismissing them
• Return to shared values and common ground
• Take a break if necessary

✅ Reframe and Redirect

• Ask: “Help me understand…” instead of arguing points
• Look for underlying needs behind positions
• Find areas of agreement before addressing differences
• Use “both/and” thinking instead of “either/or” when possible

MOVING TOWARD RESOLUTION

✅ Seek Understanding Before Agreement

• Clarify the real issues underneath surface disagreements
• Identify what’s negotiable and what’s non-negotiable
• Explore creative solutions that address multiple concerns
• Test proposed solutions for practical viability

✅ Focus on Forward Movement

• Ask: “What would need to happen for you to feel heard?”
• Identify next steps that everyone can support
• Assign specific responsibilities with timelines
• Plan follow-up conversations to check progress

AFTER THE CONVERSATION

✅ Process and Follow Up

• Debrief privately with trusted advisors about what went well and what could improve
• Check in individually with participants within a few days
• Document agreements made and commitments given
• Schedule follow-up meetings as needed

✅ Continue Relationship Building

• Look for opportunities to affirm people who participated constructively
• Address any lingering issues privately before they fester
• Celebrate progress made, even if incomplete
• Learn from the experience to improve future conversations

RED FLAGS: WHEN TO STOP

✅ Know When to Pause or Postpone

• When personal attacks begin and can’t be redirected
• When someone is clearly not in emotional state to continue
•  When new information emerges that changes the conversation
• When fatigue makes productive dialogue impossible
• When you realize you’re in over your head and need outside help

At the Center for Transforming Engagement, we wholeheartedly believe that we can do better at having these conversations. Join us for our upcoming Summit as we discuss in greater depth how to lead in polarizing times.

Register for the Virtual Summit!