Pastors and the Problem of Social Constraint 

January 17, 2024

Social constraint is the perception that other people don’t want to hear about your life and problems.

It’s the thing that makes you decide not to give a real answer when someone asks how you are doing.
It’s the thing that makes you swallow your own hurt or stifle your own joy even though others are pouring out their hearts to you.

For pastors and other people in ministry who often focus on caring for others at the expense of their own needs, social constraint can lead to isolation and loneliness.

The very real and good boundaries we practice in our ministry roles can warp our awareness of how to meet our own needs for friendship and mutual support. 

One solution to the problem of social constraint is joining a peer group where you can be seen and accepted as a complex self — the light and the shadow, the grief and the grace.

Peer groups have the benefit of being free of the unrealistic expectations leaders sometimes feel from the communities they serve. Research has shown that these benefits are increased when people in the peer group come from different ministry contexts, so that competition is removed from the relationships. Remaining a part of a group over time is beneficial, even over great distances, because honest feedback requires deep trust that can only be cultivated over time.

When we’re in peer groups with others, we authorize them to:

  • Call us back to our “true” or “best” identity, the image of God that we uniquely carry.
  • Encourage us in the practices that care for ourselves — and notice when we don’t.
  • Remind us of the call that got us started in our work and the passion we exhibited in the past.
  • Warn us when we’re losing our spark for work or exhibiting burnout warning signs.
  • Normalize challenges within a field of work.
  • Provide perspective and practical interventions on leadership challenges.

The Resilience for Sustainable Leadership Survey responses underscored the positive effects of peer groups. Participating in a small group of peers was correlated with a higher level of satisfaction in all of the domains we assessed: emotional support, rest and renewal, and spiritual life. 

Related Resource: Humanizing Pastors – A Focus on Clergy Suicide Prevention

What leaders shared about the importance of peer community:

“Over the last several years, I’ve had a close bond with a few other pastors and we enjoy a great deal of encouragement and spiritual growth together. We are intentional about asking the good questions: how we are relating to those we serve, how we are listening, how we develop folks as the people that the Lord was leading them to be and not carbon copies of us.” Reverend Eric Likkel

“One thing I have heard over and over — from leaders at the end of resilient careers — is that you need to have a strong network of friends who are your inner circle, your ‘holy of holies.’ Resilience is built from the people you have in your life that can speak into your life personally and professionally.” Reverend Jes Kas

Peer groups make us better at ministry by giving us tangible experiences of grace. Generally, peers are kinder to us about our failings than we are to ourselves, and more celebratory of our successes than we can bear. (That’s why we blush.) And in reciprocating those kindnesses — that grace — to others in a peer group, we can learn to internalize that kindness and extend that grace to ourselves.

People do want to hear about your life; they do care about your hurts and your joy — you just have to find your people, and a peer group is a great place to start. Learn more about resilience circles.

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Upcoming Virtual Summit
Leading During Polarizing Times
This FREE online event is designed for ministry leaders seeking practical tools, spiritual wisdom, and renewed strength to lead faithfully when your church community faces deep differences.
Upcoming Virtual Summit
Leading During Polarizing Times
This FREE online event is designed for ministry leaders seeking practical tools, spiritual wisdom, and renewed strength to lead faithfully when your church community faces deep differences.
Full attendance and participation during all sessions are expected to complete the program.
Terms / Conditions. By registering for a Resilience or Leaders Circle, you agree to the following (scroll down and click agree)
Please consider the schedule closely to ensure you will be able to participate in the virtual meetings, and block off your calendar to ensure your attendance. Should you have an emergency (illness, situations out of your control) that will impact your participation please email transforming@theseattleschool.edu
Time commitment:
Two hours one day per month for 8 months, dates to be determined by majority of registrants' availability and adjusted as needed during the first group meeting.
Your feedback is immensely valuable!
As an essential component of your participation in this program, we ask that you provide us with your honest, candid, and timely feedback in program surveys and conversations, and consider providing reviews or testimonials of the program for promotional use.
Code of Conduct:
The Center for Transforming Engagement strives for intentionality in the ways we relate to one another - how we as a team relate to each other, how we relate to participants, and how we hope participants will relate to us and one another. To that end, we hold cultural norms about the ways we interact with one another. Your participation in this program is contingent on your agreement to abide by these cultural norms. i. For growth to happen, we all need to be able to share about the deeper challenges we face. To provide that atmosphere of openness and support, you commit to not sharing personal information that is shared in program meetings. ii. In our interactions with each other and our communities, we practice the humility of not-knowing that is required to listen and discover. iii. Be aware of different cultural and characterological ways of communicating, and invite others’ voices. Respect theological differences: the river of Christian orthodoxy is wide, and while the streams of that river are distinct, they are not inherently better or worse. Even if you can’t respect the belief, treat the person with respect. iiii. We value both thoughts and feelings as valuable pieces of information that inform one another, and inform our learning and discerning together. iv. Be in the here and now (not mentally somewhere or some time else), with the people who are sharing their time and stories with you. Eliminate any distractions possible.
Fair Use Policy
All program content, recordings, and materials are the intellectual property of The Seattle School and may not be presented, distributed, or replicated. The Seattle School retains the copyright for all recorded content. Some print materials (PDFs, worksheets, journal prompts, etc.) will be licensed under Creative Commons: Attribution NonCommercial ShareAlike. Those materials will be available for download on our website, and may be used as long as the following conditions are met: (1) attribute to the Center for Transforming Engagement even if remixed/modified; (2) do not use for commercial (paid) purposes; and (3) anything you make that remixes or builds upon this material, you must also distribute under Creative Commons. More information on this license is available at creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/3.0/
(scroll down and click agree) Full attendance and participation during all sessions are expected to complete the program. Please consider the schedule closely to ensure you will be able to participate in the virtual meetings, and block off your calendar to ensure your attendance. Should you have an emergency (illness, situations out of your control) that will impact your participation please email transforming@theseattleschool.edu Time commitment: Two hours one day per month for 8 months, dates to be determined by majority of registrants' availability and adjusted as needed during the first group meeting. Your feedback is immensely valuable! As an essential component of your participation in this program, we ask that you provide us with your honest, candid, and timely feedback in program surveys and conversations, and consider providing reviews or testimonials of the program for promotional use. 2. Code of Conduct The Center for Transforming Engagement strives for intentionality in the ways we relate to one another - how we as a team relate to each other, how we relate to participants, and how we hope participants will relate to us and one another. To that end, we hold cultural norms about the ways we interact with one another. Your participation in this program is contingent on your agreement to abide by these cultural norms. Confidentiality. For growth to happen, we all need to be able to share about the deeper challenges we face. To provide that atmosphere of openness and support, you commit to not sharing personal information that is shared in program meetings. Curiosity. In our interactions with each other and our communities, we practice the humility of not-knowing that is required to listen and discover. Respect differences. Be aware of different cultural and characterological ways of communicating, and invite others’ voices. Respect theological differences: the river of Christian orthodoxy is wide, and while the streams of that river are distinct, they are not inherently better or worse. Even if you can’t respect the belief, treat the person with respect. You are invited to be a whole person, with both thoughts and feelings. We value both thoughts and feelings as valuable pieces of information that inform one another, and inform our learning and discerning together. Presence. Be in the here and now (not mentally somewhere or some time else), with the people who are sharing their time and stories with you. Eliminate any distractions possible. 3. Fair Use Policy All program content, recordings, and materials are the intellectual property of The Seattle School and may not be presented, distributed, or replicated. The Seattle School retains the copyright for all recorded content. Some print materials (PDFs, worksheets, journal prompts, etc.) will be licensed under Creative Commons: Attribution NonCommercial ShareAlike. Those materials will be available for download on our website, and may be used as long as the following conditions are met: (1) attribute to the Center for Transforming Engagement even if remixed/modified; (2) do not use for commercial (paid) purposes; and (3) anything you make that remixes or builds upon this material, you must also distribute under Creative Commons. More information on this license is available at creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/3.0/